Not Everything is a Sex Toy

Dearest Husband,

It's not "a candle holder and dildo gift set." 
It's called a mortar and pestle.

Love,
The Ball and Chain

Sometimes hello is just hello.

Dearest Husband,

While I think it's adorable that you get flustered and come home and tell me that you think so-and-so might have been hitting on you because she asked how you liked your new position, or that you need to switch barber shops because the woman who usually cuts your hair winked at you,  it makes me realize that you seem to think all women who interact with you want to have sex with you.

I know that being able to land me as your wife probably gave you the inflated idea that you are a catch.  I'm sorry to be the one to burst that bubble, but not every woman who glances your way wants to seduce you.  Not every woman who says a friendly hello wants to get in your pants.  And most of them, if they learned that you thought they had ulterior motives, would laugh themselves silly at the very thought of a sexual encounter with you.

Love,
The Ball and Chain

Your mother is not a shining example of sanity.

Dearest Husband,

If you ever, ever in your life again respond to my complaints about our children's behavior with the phrase, "Well, my mother always..."  I will personally arrange for you and your belongings to be delivered to your mother.

The only acceptable responses to my complaints are:

"Let me help you write an ad to sell them on Craigslist."

And

"It sounds like you've had a rough day.  Let me get a babysitter and take you out to dinner. And when we get home I'll give you mind blowing oral sex--no reciprocation expected, and then I'll let you sleep while I catch up the laundry."

Love,
The Ball and Chain

I prefer the teeth dragging method.

Dearest Husband,

You know how you always say you'll help around the house more, but you're going to do it your way and not necessarily the way I'd like it to be done?

I'm adopting the same philosophy for blow jobs.

Love,
The Ball and Chain

It's hard to talk with a gullet full of testicles.

Dearest Husband,

I know that in movies it's considered sweet and romantic when couples finish eachother's sentences. However, when you cut me off and say what you think I'm about to say, it makes me want to rip off your nads and shove them down your throat.

Love,
The Ball and Chain

Because ass hair and nose picking were on MY wishlist.

Dearest Husband,

I understand that I am not the wife you dreamed of.  I don't think that you understand, however, that the wife you dreamed of does not exist.  Marriage is not all kowtowing and blow jobs.  If you think it should be, then you don't want a wife.  You want a blow up doll.

Love, The Ball and Chain

Irreconcilable Bowel Movements

Dearest Husband,

You have been clogging toilets for decades across five continents.  It's a problem.  It's even more of a problem when you assume it went down, but it didn't and I'm left to plunge in your absence.  When one clogs a toilet nine bowel movements out of ten, it is never safe to assume that it went down.  Never.

I don't think there's a box marked "Intolerable Toileting Habits" on a divorce petition.

Also, I'll be buying less cheese and more broccoli in the future.

Love,
The Ball and Chain